


an old book and soft blankets

by phcbosz



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bruce Is a Good Bro, Clint Is a Good Bro, Depression, Everyone Needs A Hug, Flashbacks, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt Tony Stark, Mild Gore, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 05:12:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10712898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phcbosz/pseuds/phcbosz
Summary: He takes the first book he can find -a really old book by the looks and the smell of it- and snuggles under the soft blanket.He knows he will miss this when he is dead.He is not sure if he should be sad or happy that right now, this feels like the only thing he will miss.





	an old book and soft blankets

**Author's Note:**

> I did not write this. My friend did and she allowed me to share it. Thank you Mavera for this amazing fic!
> 
>  
> 
> Mind the tags please because this fic can be very triggering!

It starts out small and somehow, Tony knows it is coming. It is like a smell that you can never forget or a sight that you will never unsee. He wishes it were as simple as that.

They are trying to decide what to eat and he just doesn’t know. One second he is being his usual sassy self and then Clint asks him what he wants. He thinks for a second and he doesn’t know. So he panics.

He tries to breathe but he can’t and he knows it is not poison this time, he knows because it has happened before so he gets up and walks calmly to the elevator while he is anything but calm. The team can’t see. They can’t and won’t see him like this.

When he is safely inside the elevator he suddenly feels so big and small at the same time. He falls and then curls up and he is trying to breathe and there is nothing in his lungs, only ash in his mouth. He tries to talk but there is no air to give. He has nothing to give anymore.

For a second he thinks, “What if it’s poison?” because his throat feels like it’s closing up. “At least my last words will be sassy,” he thinks but there is nobody around to impress, no reason to act. He is just so fucking scared and so fucking tired. He wants everything to end.

It feels like he will never be happy.

It feels like there is nothing but panic. It feels like his lungs are burning. It feels like he is crying and oh yes, he is.

It feels like he is dying.

He only wishes it would be quicker.

And then when he can breathe again, he gets up and wipes his eyes. JARVIS opens the door to the workshop without saying anything and as Tony settles on the grey sofa, he is ashamed of himself. For running, for being afraid when he knows it will be over in a few minıtes. For having a panic attack because he couldn’t choose what to have for dinner…

The next time the team is trying to decide what to eat, he silently brings out his new creation, a wheel with lots of restaurant names on it. He spins it and as the wheel spins he can only stare, knowing his control is spinning far, far away from him.

*-*

The next time it happens, he is alone. He thanks to whatever fucking idiot created this fucking universe.  
It is in the middle of a battle and he is trying to hold a building that is collapsing, on his shoulders. But it is fine. He is holding the world on his shoulders without the suit every day. He is used to it.

As he feels it coming (that fucking weird feeling again) he tells JARVIS to lock the suit with a hoarse voice. That is a good choice for the greater good but a bad choice for him because talking just wastes his precious breath and he knows there will be no air for at least a minute.

And then there is the fact that he is literally trapped now. This only makes him panic more. He wants to put his cold hands on his suddenly very hot face and he wants to brush his hair away from his eyes but he can’t move.

That’s when the flashbacks of Obadiah and The Surgery start.  
Suddenly the faceplate is too close to him, his clothes too thin, his hair too long.

He smells blood and he knows it is coming from his tongue where he bit it.

The panic attack lasts for five minutes and every minute he feels like dying, he wishes for it more. When he can breathe again, he hears his mother singing and smells flowers. After that, he passes out.

The suit is still locked in its place.  
When the team is talking about the battle, he brags about how strong he is and talks about the boredom he felt when he was under that building.

That night when he tries to sleep, he imagines the building collapsing on him and it feels peaceful. And in his dream, as Loki chokes him to death, he feels like that building he forced to stay together today. Only for it to collapse later on.

*-*

He knows Natasha is suspecting something (that woman never misses anything) so he comes up with a clever plan. A plan that will surely make the team disappointed but it is better than them knowing about it. The team can’t know.

It is two hours after his last panic attack (which he had because he couldn’t get out of his shirt for, like, two second or something) and they’re having dinner as a team. He takes a bite of his pizza and makes a face. He knows only Natasha will notice it. He keeps this up for the entire meal and he tries his best to eat like he hates every minute of it.

“Something wrong with your tongue, Tony?” Natasha asks, looking at him suspiciously from under her eyelashes.

Bingo.

“It is the new arc reactor, dear. It has a weird taste. But I need to get used to it because the old one was giving me a bit of a problem. A little shortness of breath every now and then and that is not a big deal unless you’re in the middle of se-“ he says, pretending to be his usual self while he is only a shell of the man he used to be.

“That’s enough Tony,” Natasha says taking a bite from her pizza.

Steve blushes and Tony knows they won’t suspect anything now.

But… he kinda wishes that somebody would notice that he hadn’t had sex since Pepper, he wishes Bruce would ask about how he can’t change the arc reactor’s core so why is he lying, he wishes somebody would notice that he is only getting worse each day and he wishes that someone, for the first time in his life, would notice that he is falling apart in front of their eyes.  
But nobody suspects anything.

*-*

He knows it won’t be getting worse after this because this is the lowest of low.

He knows it won’t be getting worse after this because this is the lowest of low because he is realising just how easy it would be to kill himself.

You see, he wants to get some peace but he doesn’t want to get some peace by therapy. He wants to get some peace when he is in a coffin that is buried six feet deep.

Maybe he can blame the panic attacks for it but he knows he has the panic attacks because of PTSD and he is now depressed because of PTSD so naturally, he blames himself. Wait- wait before you protest and say that it doesn’t make sense, he knows. But it is how he feels and there is nothing he can do about it.

Every time he sees a gun, he sees himself taking it and blowing his head off. He sees the blood on the wall and he sees the gun falling to the floor. It looks… peaceful.

He imagines himself jumping off of a tall building, he imagines himself jumping off of the Ironman suit, he imagines himself dying. And he does this 7/24.

What would the press write, what would Pepper feel, what would the team do?

He isn’t the type to say “everything would be better without me, everyone hates me,” because he knows they would mourn him and he knows some people would die because he wasn’t there to save them.

He can’t bring himself to care.

He knows it is selfish, okay? But the world will end when he dies. When he dies, everybody will die too because he will be dead. He knows it doesn’t work like that but he can’t bring himself to care because he will be fucking dead so why would he think about what will happen after that? He won’t be there to see it anyways.

He is just trying to buy some time before the team finds him hanging from the ceiling and he knows he is stalling.

He knows this needs to be done.

He knows that JARVIS is disabled, he knows that this is the best chance he will have to just make JARVIS release some carbon monoxide to the air.

But he is just so fucking scared…

 

He doesn't’ do it. Because he can’t.

*-*

He takes the first book he can find -a really old book by the looks and the smell of it- and snuggles under the soft blanket.

He knows he will miss this when he is dead.

He is not sure if he should be sad or happy that right now, this feels like the only thing he will miss.

*-*

The next panic attack (two days after he brought the gun to his head, just to see how cold it felt. His finger on the trigger, he welcomed the warmth he felt when he imagined pulling it, he didn’t.) is the worst one he ever had because it happens right in front of the team.

They are arguing because he was too reckless in the battle. “Are you trying to kill yourself or something because it sure looks like it!” Steve yells while taking a step towards him, his hands curled into fists.

Tony walks right in front of him and raises his head and he can feel Steve’s hot and angry breath on his face (and God, this feels a lot like the fight they had on the Heli-carrier and that thought just makes him want to throw up because right now, the person in front of him is Steve, not Rogers. In front of him is not the man he hated growing up. The man in front of him doesn’t have a suit to protect him right now. He is just Steve. Steve who made coffee every morning for Tony to drink, Steve who played with Tony’s hair on every movie night) and he makes eye contact. “Maybe I am. What’re you going to do about it, huh?” and it feels so much like the truth that for a second he panics, thinking this is it, they know. But nobody suspects anything.

Steve takes a step back and clenches his jaw. Tony can’t focus on anything but how sharp his jaw is and how hard he could hit when he is this angry.

He knows a panic attack is coming.

“I don’t care if you are, just don’t hurt any civilians while you are throwing your pity party because you don’t have that right.”

And ouch is the first thing Tony thinks but it is what he would say to be sassy, it is what he would say when he is acting. But he is tired of hiding.

So he shoves (tries to shove* because Steve doesn’t move) Steve back and then talks with everything he has. “Now you’re blaming me for the lives lost in the battle Rogers? That’s low,” he tries to breathe but he can’t. No matter. He continues. “Well it looks like you need a reality check because inside that suit, INSIDE THAT SUIT I AM ONLY HUMAN OKAY? I AM NOT PERFECT, I MAKE MISTAKES BUT INSIDE THAT SUIT I AM JUST A MAN SO GIVE. ME. A. FUCKING. BREAK!”

By the time he stops yelling, everyone in the room has even stopped breathing. At least it feels like it. But Tony quickly realises that he is the only one that can’t take a breath.

He quickly takes his jacket off and tries to run but he collapses and he is feeling too hot. Steve makes a move towards him. It makes everything worse.

He opens his mouth wide and tries to take something, anything inside his lungs but he is not sure if he wants to keep on breathing.

Actually, he is pretty sure he wants to die.

“DON’T!” he yells with every power he has, with all of the oxygen in his lungs. It is not enough to make Steve stop walking towards him.

So he takes in a deep breath (a miracle) and runs.

*-*

When he is inside the workshop (he arrived there in record time) he tells JARVIS to lock the doors and ignores everything the AI says.

“Code: Jellybean R.E.D 133420-“

“Sir, please-“

“-90128.”

JARVIS shuts down.

Tony closes his eyes and tries to stop the ringing in his ears. All he can hear is JARVIS desperately begging.

He quickly checks the doors and with shaky steps walks towards his desk.

Opens the drawer and takes out the syringe inside. When he sees that he is only in his shirt, he realises that he left his jacket behind. That, only brings the embarrassing memories back, reminding him why he has to do this.

He takes his shirt off and brings the syringe in front of his heart. A special poison he designed himself. Just one dose, three seconds and no pain. He will be dead.

He takes in a deep breath, closes his eyes-

And Hulk comes in from the wall with a painful and earthshaking roar.

*-*

He can smell the coffee on the desk and Bruce is explaining something very important to him by the looks of it. He makes a joke and Bruce stares with fake disappointment for two seconds.

Then he takes his glasses off and does that little squint. He smiles and blushes when Tony tells him how cute he finds the little act.

It feels so real like it is happening right now but Tony knows that the happy days are so far, far behind him.

*-*

Tony does the only thing he can do, tries to pick up the syringe (which he dropped in panic) with shaky hands but before he can even reach for it, there is a little bit of pain in his arm and when he takes a look, he sees Natasha.

Everything is blurry but he can see the needle in his arm clear as day.

*-*  
When he wakes up, Pepper is crying beside him, holding his hand.

He wants to sleep again.

But this time, he doesn’t want to wake up.

*-*

The next time he wakes up, he realises that he is strapped. Fair enough, he thinks. They can’t afford him trying to kill himself again in one day- wait. How many days has it been?

He looks to Clint who is watching him silently. Everyone is in the room, Rhodey, Pepper, the team and even Thor. “How many days has it been?” he finds himself asking but his voice sounds foreign.

“Just one.”

…

“You can’t love someone back to life,” he says. He doesn’t mention that he doesn’t consider himself alive. They will understand.

“You can try…” Bruce says and the pain in his voice makes Tony’s heart shake with self-hate. Bruce closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then leaves.

Pepper breaks down, Rhodey cries.

Steve is sobbing so hard that his whole body shakes and Clint just stares.

Natasha is playing with Thor’s hair who is lying on her lap. She is braiding it.

Tony doesn’t know what he did but he knows he screwed up this family. He takes a deep breath and wishes that he could wipe away the one tear that is falling down his cheek towards his neck.

Clint does it for him and a wet smile fancies his lips.

*-*

He accepts therapy because he knows he has no other choice to do so.

*-*

After they make sure that he isn’t going to kill himself when he gets the chance, they let him go back to the tower. His home.

JARVIS greets him and Tony knows that it is pain in the AI’s voice. He apologises a lot. Cries a little. JARVIS accepts all apologies.

Tony deletes Code: Jellybean R.E.D, JARVIS thanks him.  
Steve makes him coffee and plays with his hair.

Bruce talks about science and lets Tony steal his shirts.

Clint pranks him on his first day back. Tony mourns his goatee but he can tell that Clint put a lot of thought in this mean prank. It is a way of him saying, “Nothing has changed, asshole.”

Tony appreciates it.

Natasha tries to teach him how to talk Russian and it is a joy seeing her face when he pretends he doesn’t understand anything. After a while, she realises that he is already fluent in Russian so she decides to teach him how to cook Russian dishes.

Thor is away a lot but when he comes back, he always brings books about magic. He gives them to Tony and Bruce. They both stay a lot of nights awake, trying to figure it out. Thor always listens with a smile when Tony talks about how ridiculous magic is.

He sees his therapist three times a week, watches movies with his team 2 times a week, eats Chinese once a week and he never thinks about killing himself anymore.

And right now, as Steve plays with his hair and Thor is snoring loudly, Finding Dory on the TV, he can hear his mother sing and he smells the flowers on the vase.

Right now, he feels like an old book and soft blankets. The smell of coffee and Bruce’s little eye squint when he takes off his glasses.

Right now… right now he feels happy and this time, he knows it will last.

*-*


End file.
